#DEAR SUGAR RUMPUS PROFESSIONAL#
The other is your status as a volunteer for the agency that employs her-she may be constrained by workplace policies that prohibit her from dating you or she may have a personal boundary about doing so (she does, after all, hold a position of professional authority in relation to you). One is your significant age difference-many women will date outside their age bracket, but some won’t. I can think of two reasons she might turn you down.
Just don’t allow yourself to take it too personally if she says no. I agree with you that you shouldn’t let your fears get in the way of asking her out. It’s no surprise to me that it was in the course of that work you’ve met someone who genuinely sparks your interest. Instead, you gave generously of yourself by committing to work that’s meaningful to you and important to your community. In the face of your most recent (and considerable) heartbreak, you opted not to wallow. You’re looking for love, not letting that keep you from living your life. I plucked your letter out of the enormous how-do-I-get-love pile because I was struck by the integrity with which you describe your situation. It seems to me that you’re doing everything right, darling. It’s the best thing we have to give and the most valuable thing we receive. I can only say you are worthy of it and that it’s never too much to ask for it and that it’s not crazy to fear you’ll never have it again, even though your fears are probably wrong. I can’t say when you’ll get love or how you’ll find it or even promise that you will. It’s hard to answer those letters because I’m an advice columnist, not a fortune teller. Unique as every letter is, the point each writer reaches is the same: I want love and I’m afraid I’ll never get it.
A few are seasoned, experienced, grown-ups like you whose faith in the prospect is waning. Some are “hot, smart and twenty-five,” others are “forty-two, a bit chubby, but lots of fun,” and others “awesome, but in a muddle.” Many are teens and early twentysomethings whose hearts have just been seriously broken for the first time and they are quite convinced they’ll never find a love like that again. Approximately 68% of the people who write to me inquire about how they can get the same thing. Of course you want someone special to love you, sweet pea. Of course I know that even if the volunteer coordinator and I did start seeing each other she may not be the person for me, or I the person for her.īut I want to take that chance and see. I’m afraid that if the volunteer coordinator did go out with me, I’d share all this with her at once and though she’d be compassionate, she’d be scared off because she’d perceive me as needy. My hunger for this is so great that I fear it’s too much to ask anyone for. I want to be loved and to receive love to have someone there for me. I know people do care about me already, but I want someone special. I want sex, affection, and emotional closeness. I give to lots of people, but I have emotional needs too. But I don’t know if I can do that, Sugar. My counselor said just be light at first-start easy and be funny. I know I should ask her out again since she seemed willing, but one of my fears is that I am old enough to be her father.
She said she couldn’t go because she had a friend visiting from out of town. She is so exciting that I overcame my fears and asked her out to see a play with me. There’s a new volunteer coordinator at the AIDS hotline where I volunteer and she’s wonderful. I miss sex a lot but I also miss having someone to talk with over a meal or coffee. I’ve had one sexual encounter since my ex and I broke up, which I paid for. During this time, I’ve had a few dates with women I’ve met via internet dating services, and found one good friend among them, but no romance. In the past four years, I’ve been involved with hospice, I’ve served on the board of directors of a nonprofit agency that provides services to survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault, I’ve tutored students at a middle school, and I’ve worked at an AIDS hotline.
To survive my heartbreak, I started to do lots of community volunteer work. (This from a man who lost his father in high school, spent a year in Vietnam, and watched another lover die of cancer.) The year after our relationship ended was the most painful time of my life. I liked her children a lot and I loved her grandkids. My ex had four adult children and three grandchildren. My most recent romantic relationship lasted ten years-eight of which were wonderful. I am a sixty-four-year-old man who has been single for the past five years.
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